Adele Faber, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, 화를 내지 않고 상황과 감정을 말한다

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, London: Piccadilly Press, 1982, 1999

 

1.    Help Children deal with their feelings

Your friend tries to “help” you in eight different ways: 1. Denial of feelings, 2. The philosophical response, 3. Advice, 4. Questions, 5. Defense of the other person, 6. Pity, 7. Amateur psychoanalysis, 8. An empathic response. (5-8)

Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected.

1.     You can listen quietly and attentively.

2.     You can acknowledge their feelings with a word. “Oh… Mmm… I see….”

3.     You can give the feeling a name. “That sounds frustrating!”

4.     You can give the child his wishes in fantasy. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”

All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited. “I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists.” (27)

Cautions: 1. Children usually object when their exact words are repeated back to them. 2 There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough. 3. Some children become irritated when they express an intense emotion and their parent’s response is “correct,” but cool. “It wasn’t the words; it was how she said it.” 4. It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels. 5. Children don’t appreciate having the names they call themselves repeated by their parents. (34-36)

 

2.    Engage Cooperation

One of the built-in frustrations of parenthood is the daily struggle to get our children to behave in ways that are acceptable to us and to society. (49)

The methods most commonly used by adults to get children to cooperate: 1. Blaming and Accusing, 2. Name-Calling, 3. Threats, 4. Commands, 5. Lecturing and Moralizing, 6. Warnings, 7. Martydom Statement, 8. Comparisons, 9. Sarcasm, 10. Prophecy. Now that you know how the child in you would react to these approaches.

 

To Engage a child’s cooperation

1.     Describe what you see, or describe the problem. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.”

2.     Give information. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.”

3.     Say it with a word. “The towel!”

4.     Describe what you feel. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!”

5.     Write a note: “Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel.”

Caution: 1. It is possible to use this skill in a way that can be irritating. The descriptive statements work best when the child feels that his help is genuinely needed. 2. Refrain from giving the child information she already knows. 3. Don’t use child’s name as your one-word statement… She begins to associate her name with disapproval. 4. Some children are very sensitive to their parents’ disapproval. 5. For notes, sometimes the situation is not funny and humor would be inappropriate.

 

3.    Alternatives to Punishment

Instead of Punishment

0.     Point out a way to be helpful

1.     Express your feelings strongly - without attacking character.

2.     State your expectation

3.     Show the child how to make amends

4.     Give the child a choice

5.     Take action.

6.     Problem-Solve: Talk about the child’s feelings and needs. Talk about your feelings and needs. Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution. Write down all ideas – without evaluating. Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

 

4.    Encouraging Autonomy

To Encourage Autonomy

1.     Let children make choices: These are all choices that give a child valuable practice in making decisions. It must be very hard to be an adult who is forced to make decisions about career, life style, mate without having had a good deal of experience in exercising your own judgement. (140)

2.     Show respect for a child’s struggle: When a child’s struggle is respected, he gathers courage to see a job through by himself. (141)

3.     Don’t ask too many questions: Too many questions can be experienced as an invasion of one’s private life. Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it. (142)

4.     Don’t rush to answer questions: When children ask questions, they deserve the chance to explore the answer for themselves, first (143)

5.     Encourage children to use the sources outside the home: We want our children to know that they’re not completely dependent upon us. The world outside the home can be called yo to help them with their problem (145)

6.     Don’t take away hope: By trying to protect children from disappointment, we protect them from hoping, striving, dreaming, and sometimes from achieving their dreams. (146)  

 

5.    Praise and self-esteem

Instead of Evaluating, Describe

1. Describe what you see

2. Describe what you feel

3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word

 

 

 

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