Bobbie Reed, Pleasing You Is Destroying Me: How to stop being controlled by your people-pleasing habits, 하나님이 창조하신 자신이 되라

 

Bobbie Reed, Pleasing You Is Destroying Me: How to stop being controlled by your people-pleasing habits, Word Publishing, 1992

 

Pleasing others becomes a problem when people crave the approval of others to the extent that they are incapable of independent choice. (13)

People pleasers are addicted to approval and will do almost anything to gain it. If approval is out of question, they will settle for acceptance or just attention. People pleasers generally have a low self-esteem in that they do not consider themselves worthy of being pleased. (14)

Me only, Me First, We, You First, You only. We people have found the proper balance between asking and giving. They are aware of and take care of their own needs and desires, but they also weigh carefully the needs and wants of others. (16)

I challenge you to start today. Unwrap your gifts. Unleash your potential. Discover who you are and how successful and abundant your life can become! (18)

The Making of a People Pleaser: 1. We learn it. Early in life we learn that the quickest way to get approval is to do what other people want us to do. 2. We get stuck. Other people pleasers do not progress through the breaking-away stage because they have unresolved relationship in their past. 3. We react. Still other people become people pleasers as a result of a traumatic experience. (40-44)

Danger of Being a People Pleaser: 1. You may become a victim. Other people soon come to take advantage of the people pleaser’s willingness to always be the one to give in. 2. You may become a rescuer. 3. You may become a passenger in a relationship. 4. You may become a perfectionist. 5. You may become a colluder. 6. You may stress out. 7. You will never have enough approval. 8. You may sacrifice your standards. 9. You become a liar. You live a lie when you misrepresent who you are, what you think, what you want, and what is important to you. 10. You are looking to please people rather than God. A people pleaser spends more time looking around at other people for direction than searching the Word of God for guidelines. Unfortunately, becoming a people pleaser doesn’t guarantee that you will get what you want. (45-49)

Alternatives to People Pleasing: The approval of others is so conditional, so fragile, and so undependable that we are foolish to base our self-concepts or our sense of worthiness on this approval… First, we can decide that we will only listen to that inner voice of our self, and do only what we want and what we think is right… A second alternative to a people-pleasing lifestyle is to decide to seek to please God… In Galatians, Paul tells us to stand fast in the freedom Christ has given us. (55-57)

The role of Guilt: Most people pleasers feel some degree of guilt, but it is a false guilt. False guilt is feeling self-reproach without having done anything wrong. It is aimed at belittling the self… People pleasers would rather suffer than change. They often prefer to go through life feeling guilty than initiate changes in their beliefs, behaviors, and patterns. Feeling guilty may not be pleasant, but it is a familiar bad feeling and one that they have learned to cope with. Change is too scary to consider. (67-69)

Fear is often a part of a people-pleasing lifestyle. But in order to get on with living as an adult, people pleasers must identify their fears, including the fear of seeming silly, of being rejected, of not being capable, of not being accepted, of failing, or even of succeeding… (71)

The way people treat us is largely based on how we have taught them to relate to us… if people seem to respect us, it is because in one way or another we have required mutual respect in the relationship. (73)

Pleasing others should be a matter of choice, not habit. (74)

Seek to gain God’s approval. The most important relationship in your life is your relationship with God. (76)

Identify your challenges.

Express your opinions…. You don’t have the right to force others to listen to your opinion if they don’t want to. … Focus on expressing your ideas rather than on how people might respond. … Don’t start out with warnings or clarifiers such as “I could be wrong, but is it possible that…” ”I really don’t know much about this, but I think that…” …A better approach would be to say, “I think that…” … Picture yourself being successful and articulate…. (112-113)

Confront productively.

Ask for what you want…. Allow the other person to say no without reprisal or your feeling rejected. (143)

Refuse unreasonable requests. Prepare to say no. Don’t apologize for saying no.

Initiate contacts.

Give and receive compliments.

Show love and affection.

Set and achieve life-changing goals.

Live free. Understand what you can expect. There are risks as well as rewards in making life changes. Discomfort. At first you can expect to feel uncomfortable because you will be behaving in new ways. (227)

Help Others change: A mentor observes. A mentor listens. A mentor provides information. A mentor models. A mentor empowers. A mentor sets free. Through mentoring, you have a chance to give back what you have received. (231-232)

Become the person God created you to be. Explore all of your spiritual gifts and natural abilities. Discover your potential. Develop your personal power in Christ as you become strong, caringly assertive, in dependent, and accountable. (234)

 

 

Pleasing others becomes a problem when people crave the approval of others to the extent that they are incapable of independent choice.docx