Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life, 독립된 자아가 있어야 건강한 관계도 있다

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992

 

책의 구성이 짜임새 있다. ‘바운더리’ 개념을 정의하며, 바운더리가 없는 삶의 사례를 제일 첫 장에 소개한 것이 인상적이다. 사례를 통해 문제의식을 독자들과 공유하는 것이 도입부로서 적절하다. 독자가 스스로 자신의 문제를 인식하고 답을 찾아가도록 동기 부여하는 점에서 책의 시작은 성공적이다. 저자는 맨 마지막 장에 바운더리를 세울 때 삶이 어떻게 달라지는지 같은 스토리를 적절하게 비교해 놓았다.

 

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom... Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. (29)

 

We are responsible to others and for ourselves... Denying ourselves to do for others what they cannot do for themselves is showing the sacrificial love of Christ. This is what Christ did for us.... On the other hand,... Every one has responsibilities that only he or hse can carry... No one can do certain things for us... We are expected carry our own. We are expected to deal with our own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, as well as the responsibilities God has given to each one of us, even though it takes effort. Gal 6:2, 5 (30-31)

 

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God. God defines himself as a distinct, separate being, and he is responsible for himself.... He also defines himself as separate from his creation and from us. He differentiates himself from others. He tells us who he is and who he is not. 1 John 4:16; 1:6 ... he has boundaries within the Trinity. The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time they are distinct persons with their boundaries. Each one has his own personhood and responsibilities, as well as a connection and love for one another (John 17:24).... He confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior... He invites people in who will love him, and he lets his love flow outward to them at the same time... We need to develop boundaries like God's. (32-33)

 

Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe; it is never a permanent way of living... You should not continue to set yourself for hurt and disappointment. (36)

 

 

(1) compliants: saying 'yes' to the bad, (2) avoidants: saying 'no' to the good, (3) controllers: not respecting others' boundaries, (4) nonresponsives: not hearing the needs of others (49-60)

 

How Boundaries Are Developed: Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building: Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at home with their primary relationships, they are building good foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that comes with boundary development. (65) The Separation and Individuation: The Construction of Soul: Three phases are critical to developing healthy boundaries in childhood: hatching (Mom and Me aren't the same), practicing (I can do anything), and rapprochement (I can't do everything). (67-73)

 

Boundary Injuries: Boundary problems are rooted in thousands of encounters with others, as well in our own nature and personality. The most important boundary conflicts, however, occur in the crucial first few years of life... Generally, the earlier and more severe the injury, the deeper the boundary problem.... We also contribute to our own boundary development problems by our own depravity.

 

Ten Laws of Boundaries: (1) sowing and reaping: when God tells us that we will reap what we sow, he is not punishing us; he's telling us how things really are... Codependent people bring insults and pain onto themselves when they confront irresponsible people... (2) Responsibility: Problems arise when boundaries of responsibility are confused. We are to love one another, not be one another. (3) Power: You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems... You have the power to submit inability to God... (4) Respect: We fear that others will not respect our boundaries. We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves. (5) Motivation: These false motives and others keep us from setting boundaries: fear of loss of love, fear of other's anger, fear of loneliness, fear of losing the "good me" inside, guilt, payback, approval, overidentification with the other's loss. Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure. Let God work on the fears, resolve them, and create some healthy boundaries to guard the freedom you were called to. (6) Evaluation: You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries and be responsible to the other person... we need to evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people. (7) Proactivity: Spiritual adulthood has higher goals than 'finding yourself.' A reactive stage is a stage, not an identity. It is necessary, but not sufficient. (8) Envy: Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle. Boundaryless people feel empty and unfulfilled. (9) Activity: But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased wit him (Heb 10:38) (10) Exposure: The whole concept of boundaries has to do with the fact that we exist in relationship. Therefore, boundries are really about relationship, and finally about love. The Law of Exposure says that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship.

 

Common Boundary Myths: Selfish? Disobedience? Hurt others? Hurt by others? Cause feelings of guilt?

 

Boundary Conflict: (1) Boundaries and your spouse - we are finite creatures and must give as we decide in (our) heart to give (2 Cor. 9:7), being aware of when we are giving past the love point to the resentment point... Only we know what we can and want to give, and only we can be responsible for drawing that line. If we do not draw it, we can quickly become resentful. (153, 155), Resolution - 1. inventory the symptom, 2. identify the specific boundary problem, 3. Find the origins of the conflict, 4. Take in the good, 5. Practice, 6. Say no to the bad, 7. Forgive, 8, Become proactive, 9. Learn to love in freedom and responsibility (2) Boundaries and your children - The work of boundary development in children is the work of learning responsibility. (3) Boundaries and yourself (4) Boundaries and God - God respects our boundaries in many ways. God expects his boundaries to be respected as well. Relationship is what the gospel is about... Boundaries are inherent in any relationship God has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other. In this sense, boundaries between us and God are bery important... There is no unity without distinct identities, and boundaries define the distinct identities involved... If we are trying to do his work for him, we will fail. If we are wishing for him to do our work for us, he will refuse. But if we do our work, and God does his, we will find strength in a real relationship with our creator. (235)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oi400UhyTPc